Getting Better But Getting Worse April 30, 2013

I am getting better. My social anxiety and agoraphobia are both getting better. But that has led to my loneliness, which I previously rarely felt, getting much, much worse. I have been so lonely, it is nearly unbearable. All I want to do is cry. I’m so lonely and feel so unloved and unwanted. I feel as if I have zero friends although I have online friends. Well, I feel is if I have one friend. She actually has talked to me on the phone twice which has helped a lot. But other than her, I have no contact with my friends other than online interaction.
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I have been trying to make friends irl. I am creating a meetup group on meetup.com tomorrow, when I have the money for it, to try to meet likeminded people I can be friends with. I am also going to Goodwill Industries tomorrow to talk to someone who may be able to help me volunteer or even find a part time job. I don’t know if I can handle either, but I want to give it a chance. I may also go to the clubhouse thing my mental health facility has that is free for all patients. Maybe I can make irl friends there. I have also posted on forums looking for people in my area and looking for people to talk to. Like, to have phone conversations with.
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Well, as I said. I have been getting better, but also getting worse.

It Seeems Like A Long Time… April 4, 2013

It seems like a long time since I’ve blogged, but it probably hasn’t been. There is a lot of stuff I could say, but I’m tired right now and can’t think of most of it. One thing though, is that I have been walking daily. Every day for nine days now, I have been leaving the house despite fear and walking. Usually just down the street and back, but that’s still good considering I’m often terrified to be out of my home. Also, today, I walked all the way to the beach alone. I did well until I got there. Shortly after I got there, I started to get scared and had to leave. I also went to Easter dinner with my family on Sunday. It went well. I got to see my cousins kids who are 9, 2, and six months. I got a lot of adorable pics of the baby. Yesterday, I went to the mall and got my mom a shirt from Macy’s and myself a bra and a headband from JCPenney’s. I also got my mom three pairs of earrings and got myself three necklaces, one pair of earrings, and an eyeshadow palette from a store called Glitter that sells most things for a dollar. I got all that stuff for $8.50 including tax .

While in JCPenney’s, I took two full body pics of myself and I’m going to post them here now. This is how I look. It’s why I need to lose weight but also why I need to accept myself. I need to stop hating my body and I really like the way these pics turned out.

I do feel uncomfortable that people on wordpress can see me and know who I am, but I have posted videos in the past and those who have seen those already know.
Well, this post is done. I need to be okay with myself.

Body Positive March 24, 2013

I’m trying to learn to accept all of myself.The next step is to try to stop hating my body. It is terrible and gross and I hate it, but I’m trying to stop that.

I’m very large… size 32 plus size in bottoms and 26/28 in tops. I’m 5”10’ and weighed 380lbs as of December at the doctors. I’m an attractive person in the face but I hate my body. Well, my face is very fat and i hate that, too. I always have to angle the camera just right in pictures to camouflage it.
I grew up obese and was 198 lbs at the end of the fourth grade, at age 10. I lost over 200lbs between the ages of 19-21 and kept it off for 5-6 years. Then, approx 4 years ago, my mom became very ill and I almost lost her a few times. I just gave up. My agoraphobia became worse, I started eating unhealthy foods again, and gained back nearly all of the weight that I lost. I am now working on losing it again and lost 65lbs last summer. (Lost 45, gained back 20, and lost that 20.)
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But, until I do lose the weight and get back to a size I feel comfortable at, I need to stop hating my body. I will always hate it if I continue this way of thinking because when I lose weight again, I will still be stuck with loads of loose skin like before. I will always look terrible, body-wise. I need to stop thinking of my body as gross and disgusting. I want to be “body positive”.

Apartments March 22, 2013

I just noticed that one of the places we were looking into before is still open. Well, two of the places. Two one bedrooms. It would be pretty much perfect for us and they’re cute little places. The price monthly would be great for my mom since she will be without section8 at first and at least one place accepts pets. The complex is directly across the street from her old church, too, so she’d be able to go again and would be less secluded. She would get out of the house twice per week then… once on Sunday and then once during the week for Home League (a womens group she used to go to). That would be great for her.
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The places don’t have laundry inside the apartments, unfortunately though. That will be bad for my agoraphobia and it will make it harder/impossible for my mom to do her own clothes if the laundry is too far away from her place. She gets out of breath very easily since her last bout of pneumonia and can’t walk very far.
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For some reason, only one of the places says it accepts pets on the site. And that’s the smallest place. The larger place doesn’t accept pets apparently though its in the same complex with the same owners. Odd. Hopefully that’s just a typo because i really need the larger place with three cats. One place is 450 sq feet and the other is 650. Still, I hope they’re still available in June. These may be the most perfect places for us that we can find for now.

Anxiously Awaiting…

I am now anxiously awaiting on the guy from my moms oxygen company. He’s coming to do the routi e checkup on her oxygen concentrator as well as give her new oxygen tanks. I’m so nervous because of my social anxiety and can’t wait for it to beover.

I was playing with my cats not too long ago and while they were chasing the felt ribbon on their toy, I started thinking of my Tasia…. my boy who was poisoned by a neighbor with antifreeze and died 51/2 years ago at seven years old. I was thinking about how he and my Timmy would play fight and how he was always so careful with Timmy, even once he became an adult and was bigger than Tasia and would beat him up. I was thinking about how he would be with Ivy. Ithink he would like her and I know he would be very careful with her because she’s younger and so little. Tasia would be 12 years old now. Thirteen in June. I miss him so much.

Another thing I was doing was my favorite pastime…. googling “is 31 too old for….” lol. I google that a lot with various things. I’ve come to find that others feel it is not too old formost things I was worried about. I’ve also seen questions when googling that  find ridiculous like ” is 31 too old to have children?” or “is 31 too old to go back to school?” …. Of course not!! lol. 31 is the perfect age to begin having children, imo. It’s much better than having them in your teens or early twenties. And there are 40-50 year old students in my school and one guy who is in his 90′s lol. So, if 40, 50, or 90 is not too old to go to college, 31 definitely is not. I didn’t even begin college for the first time until almost 26.

Btw, I apologize for my last blog. I can’t see what i type on my blog with my Nook, and I know it was a mess, with words stuck togetber etc. lol.  This one is also being written on my Nook and I still can’t see what I’m typi g, but I think it will turn out better than last time. I’m being extra dilligent.

Well, I hope there are spaces in this blog and I know I’m forgetting something, but I guess this is enough for now.

Agoraphobia and Other Stuff March 21, 2013

I overcame the agoraphobia enough to leave the house today, but not enough to figure out how to get to the store now that bulldozers and orange cones are blocking the end of my street. It would mean much more walking and a lot more time out of the house to figure out how to get to the store now that the street’s blocked off. I’m not brave enough to walk unfamiliar streets right now but we really need groceries. I’ll try again tomorrow. Hopefully it will work *sigh* And I was so proud of myself for leaving the house. All to just turn around and come back inside :/

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I have been getting a lot of reblogs from some stuff I’ve posted on tumblr, so that’s nice. I still haven’t logged into facebook. It was very hard earlier not to though. Not loggi g in is a very hard urge to resist.

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I’ve been looking for places for us to move even though i’s way too soon. We won’t be moving til summer because I won’t have money until June, when I get mynext SSI backpay. I’ve begun looking at three bedrooms as well. We may be able to get one if it’scheap enough and it will give u more places to look into. Imean, it will give us more options.

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I called my transportation this morning to cancelmy ride to my psychiatrist on the 26th because I won’t have the money to pay them to take me and they said they now let peoplemake payments up to ten days after their ride. That’s a new thing. They didn’t used to do that. I’m glad they do it now though,because if Imissed my appointment,my dr maynothave given me mymeds  next month. I had an appt lastmonth but missed it because i didn’t know about it until the day before and i had no way to get there. So now, I will be able to go to my appointment. I will write them a check and thy will cash it on the 1st….. Well, I’m not sure what else to write, so that’s it.

Second Attempt, Second Day March 20, 2013

This is my second attempt at writing a blog and my second day without facebook. My Nook makes writing blogs difficult sometimes. I can’t see what I’m writing and I can’t control where I want the “cursor” or whatever the line thing is called,  to be.

I’m still not on facebook. I’m still lonely and feel out of the loop without it. I have no one to talk to now except my mom. And because of PMS, she’s been getting on my nerves even more than usual. I’ve still done nothing constructive. I’ve been on tumblr a lot. if anyone wants to follow me on it. Please let me know who you are on wordpress if you follow me, especially if you want me to follow you back. My link is: http://mysocalledself.tumblr.com

Blah. I’m done with this nonsensical blog. #lonely #bored