I like It May 25, 2012

I like how much more positive my mind is since starting the Abilify four or so months ago and no longer being depressed. I like not feeling so terrible all the time. I feel like a better person overall. I also like the fact that I am changing, and I’m hoping my life will improve overall for the better. Maybe my thirties will be a good time for me. Maybe things will get better with my life overall. I could start to get ahead of myself and thing “Maybe I’ll enter into a relationship,” “Maybe I’ll make friends” or “Maybe I’ll be able to hold down a job.” but those things are so far in the future that I don’t want to apply them to any time soon.

 

 

Still, my views have been changing and for the better. I say for the better because they’re becoming more liberal and I view liberal as being better most of the time lol. My opinion on the legalization of prostitution has changed. I am no longer utterly against it. I’m still against it as a whole, because I still wish people didn’t do it, but I think it should be legalized now. not all prostitution. I still think it should be illegal if a person walks the streets but things like “cat houses” etc. I am now okay with. My main reason for always being against it is because I don’t like the idea of little abused children thinking it’s okay to grow up to be prostitutes. But then I was thinking one day and realized that that would be very rare. The same little girls who grow up thinking they want to be strippers would be the same little girls growing up wanting to be prostitutes and I like to think that’s a very low number. Plus, stripping is not a profession that is touted and praised. it’s something that is looked down on by most people. legalized prostitution will be the same way. It will not be an accepted profession even though it is legal. I’m not explaining myself well, but that’s why my position on it has changed.

 

 

Another position I’m somewhat changed upon is the usage of marijuana. I’m still against it and I still think it should not be legal. I would still prefer if it stayed illegal. HOWEVER, under certain circumstances, I could tolerate it. The number one circumstance would be if it were not smoked. The fumes given off by the stuff makes me physically ill and when people who have been smoking it walk past me I literally feel like I’m going to die. it makes me nauseous and gives me migraines, and I nor others should have to be assaulted by the stench coming off of a person who has smoked it. It can be used in ways other than smoking and I am assuming that those ways would not infringe upon my and others’ rights to breath fresh air without being assaulted by the stuff. So, as long as it were not smoked, as long as it is only done in a persons home, away from any people who may not want to be around it, and as long as no children live in the home where it’s done, I would tolerate it being legalized. but only under very strict conditions.

 

 

My opinions have also started to change on some other things and I’m proud of myself for becoming more flexible.

 

 

I’m still upset over being thirty. I don’t feel old. I don’t want to be old. I look young. But I have always thought of thirty as being old and now I am thirty. So, that’s hard to deal with. I am really no longer young anymore and that’s hard to deal with and I don’t think it’s fair because I never got a chance to live and I never got to be young.

 

 

<p><del>Well, I’m mad about somethings that have happened. I found out that my school has made yet another mistake which will prevent me from talking classes this summer, I was starting to hold out hope that I could still take at least one and then I find out th</del></p>

Well, my school just called as I was typing that lol and they may be able to help me so I feel better now. I’ll blog again later when/if I find out more.

“Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!” says Ren and Stimpy May 24, 2012

Guess what?! Happy, HAPPY, completely unexpected news!! I was APPROVED for SSI!!!! My caseworker from Social Security Administration called yesterday at 3:24pm and left a message saying “This is Mr. Rosen (or whatever) from the Social Security office calling to let you know that your benefits have been approved and I need some information from you….”

I NEVER needed a lawyer like EVERYONE (except Mr. Rosen (or whatever), himself) said I would!! So everyone was wrong!! My mental facility FINALLY sent them my medical records, for the first time ever less than a month ago and that’s all they needed. That was enough to get me approved. I’m so glad! Now I have an income and our lives will get better now!!!!

I’m really having a hard time believing it. I expected it to be SOOO much harder. I expected to need a lawyer. Wow. I’m basically flabbergasted lol.

It’s nice to feel validated. By not needing a lawyer, I feel like someone believes me and knows I’m not faking not being able to work or just being lazy. It’s a good feeling

Yesterday May 23, 2012

Yesterday, a social worker for my moms home health care came. Unlike the other home health care, these people come automatically and weren’t called in by anyone. She came, saw nothing wrong, said things seem to be going well but she would be back in a few weeks to see if things were still the same, and left. Also, instead of complaining about our cats, she loved them. She especially liked Timmy and kept petting them. She says she loves cats and has five herself lol. Well, it wasn’t THAT simple. She also tried to get me set up with a place that would help me find a job because I guess she assumed that I didn’t have a job because I couldn’t find one, not because I’m unable to work. I ended up just telling her the truth about my issues and that I’m applying for SSI so she’d know that an organization wouldn’t be able to help me and I wouldn’t be able to do anything like that anyway. She didn’t push the issue after that and accepted that I can’t work and am not just lazy. She said it’s good that I have my therapist helping me. I hope my therapist really does help me find a lawyer because I will probably get a denial letter soon if my mental health facility has sent them my medical records.

I’m glad things didn’t go badly with the nurse or the social worker– especially the social worker– but now I’m waiting on the physical therapist to call so I’ll know when he/she will come. I will probably spend most of my time in my room when he/she is here so I don’t get in the way of him/her walking through our small place with my mom. That will make me feel better, but I will then be up here anxious the whole time until the therapist leaves. I assume the therapist should have called by now, seeing as how it’s now Wednesday.

I hope this blog is making spaces. I guess I’ll go for now.

Things Went Pretty Well May 22, 2012

Things went pretty well today, considering how terrified I was. The only person who came today was nurse. She was nice and never complained about our house not being perfect and wasn’t nosy like a lot of home health people. She also said that when the physical therapist comes, which will be within the next two days probably, they will see that my mom doesn’t need an aide or an occupational therapist so the only person who should be coming is her and the physical therapist. That’s still going to be hard to manage, but as long as the physical therapist is nice, it should still be manageable most of the time.

I wish I didn’t panic so much around people. Today, the nurse was asking me a question and as I was talking I felt tears well up in my eyes and I felt like I was going to burst into tears for no apparent reason, just because I was afraid and panicky. I wish that stuff would stop happening and I could act like a normal human being for once. Luckily, she didn’t seem to notice that I almost randomly burst into tears lol.

Now I just have to see how the physical therapist will be. I hope he/she is nice like the nurse.
Well, that’s it I guess.

Constructive May 20, 2012

I want to do something constructive with my summer. Unfortunately though, I’m most likely not going to be able to take classes like I was planning to do. So that means I need to find something else to do with myself so that I don’t just spend the entire summer browsing websites like I’m doing now. I want to learn something or improve myself in some way. I have a book full of writing prompts that I would use, but I can’t find it. At least it would be of some help and give me something to do. I just don’t want to spend my summer doing nothing.

Ever since I turned 312, aka 30, I’ve had this huge need to improve myself. I’ve learned a lot about myself and changed some of my opinions for the better in less than four months already. But I still need more to do because all I do is sit around the house all day doing nothing, usually. I want something constructive to occupy myself with.

Well, this is a ridiculous blog and I’m ending it rather abruptly. I just wish I knew what to do with myself over summer.

Untiltled as of now May 20, 2012

I tend to not be able to write blogs unless something bad is going on, typically. I’m not sure why except that it’s like a release for me and if I’m feeling okay and nothing bad is happening, there’s no need for the release.<br></br>

Well, the past few days have not been very good ones, overall. Two days ago, my kitten (who is actually a nearly 3 year old cat lol) snuck outside and was missing for 31 hours. I worried a lot and was afraid something would happen to her. Now that I have her back, I’m afraid she might be pregnant as she’s the only non-fixed cat we have. But she did sneak out once before and was gone for 18 hours that time and was fully in heat and still didn’t get pregnant, so I’m hoping it’s the same this time.<br></br>

Today (yesterday, actually, since it’s now after 6am lol), my mom was released from the hospital after being there for almost three weeks. That’s not a bad thing lol. The ad thing is that they’re sending home health care here again so she can have physical therapy on her leg and they also, for a reason I’m still unsure of, want to send an occupational therapist, a nurse, an aid, a social worker, and someone else. I have no clue WHY they want to send all those people. Physical therapy is all my mom needs and I don’t want to have to deal with all those extra people for no reason :/ They show up at random times with no notice and get mad when someone doesn’t answer the door when they come, which makes it worse. <br></br>
Today, just a few hours after my mom got home, the home health nurse called. Normally, they leave people alone on weekends but apparently not this time. Well, both me and my mom were sleeping when she called because my mom hasn’t slept well in the hospital and I haven’t slept well in a few days, worrying about my cat and about her and home health care. She called twice around six o’ clock and then again soon after and then she started calling my uncle and aunt :/ I didn’t know any of it until I got up around 10 something. My uncles phone number is for emergencies only and not being able to reach us after calling twice is NOT an emergency. She’s the only person to ever call my aunt and uncle before like that so that means I’m going to have to call her about it, which makes me extra anxious. I wish they would at least give us some time.

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I’m worried that the social worker who comes here will do what the last social worker who came here did and call the Adult Protective Agency. They couldn’t do anything before because my mom wasn’t 60 yet, but she is 60 now. The only reason it was called before is because the person didn’t think the carpet was vacuumed well enough and my mom doesn’t wear socks in the house. It’s crazy. I don’t vacuum constantly, but I do do it enough, and I can’t force my mom to wear socks. That’s a ridiculous reason to call Adult Protective Services on people, but apparently it’s common to call them on people who are not being abused, which is crazy because that’s not what the system is meant for. They also had a problem with where the litter box was located and said that we may have to give up our cats, which will NOT happen. I refuse to do that under any circumstance.

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There is a lot more I could say because I’m very, very worried about this, but I guess I’ll stop now. I’m just very very worried and very anxious. I hate dealing with people and I hate it even more when strangers are in my house.

Written on 4-13-12 April 17, 2012

April 13, 2012

TIME: 7:46pm

This computer has still been having lines go through it. The same kind that were going through my other one before it went out at the library the other day. They’re not as bad, but it still happens so I still won’t be surprised if this computer goes out soon, too. It must have been faulty when I got it and I’m going to have to call about it or something. Hopefully I can get it back on warranty. I can’t see why I wouldn’t be able to. This is supposed to be a brand new computer and there’s no reason for this to be happening.

I just had to restart my computer because I tried typing something into the Word Starter and nothing would type. None of the letters would work. They would also not type anything into the Start Menu. It’s working fine now, since I restarted it though. I’m hoping I can trade this for another brand because I don’t think I want this if these kinds of things are going to be happening so soon. I’ve had this for less than two weeks.

I’m watching “The X-Files” again. Now I’m on episode 7 or 8, I think. I’m on “Ghost in the Machine” or something similarly titled.

I’m hoping I can go to the library tomorrow to answer messages on facebook. I want to read and reply to them but I’ve been afraid to go. I wish I had internet at home and will be so happy when I get it. It will make things much easier, that’s for sure. It will be a lot easier to take classes with internet, too. Something else I’ve been thinking of doing is paying half of the past due cable bill this month and paying the rest next month. Then next month or early June I can get internet back. I’m going to go ahead and get Time Warner again, most likely, just because it will be less scary for me. They’re a bit more expensive, but at least I know how they work and I won’t have to worry about a credit check or going over a limit because their internet is unlimited.

I guess I’ll go now. I’ve been tired all day long. I hope I can sleep tonight because I barely slept last night. TTYL.

TIME: 7:57pm

Written on 4-13-12 April 17, 2012

April 13, 2012

TIME: 12:18am

 

 

 

It’s after midnight on Thursday (Friday, technically). My mom came home from the hospital today. They said she had a TIA, but they could find nothing wrong with her, which is why. I was told before by either a doctor or a nurse that whenever they’re not able to tell whether a person has had a stroke by MRI, they say the person had a TIA (mini-stroke). So, really it’s just a generic name for something. I think it was most likely that she’s getting rheumatoid arthritis. We’re going to have to talk to her doctor about it and he’s going to have to refer her to a doctor that deals with it. I don’t want her to suffer the way my aunt *great aunt, actually) did when I was little. She died when I was four but suffered for YEARS before that from rheumatoid arthritis and I don’t want my mom to go through that.

 

Tomorrow, I may go to get my meds. My mom might go with me and we might see a movie. I should have gone before but I’ve been too scared. If my mom goes with me, it will be mentally easier because I won’t be alone. But it will also be harder because I’ll have her wheelchair to deal with and her to worry about. It will only be about $10 more for her to come with me though. $5 more for the bus and $5 more for the movie, if we see one. My mom liked “The Hunger Games” that we saw last week. It’s hard to believe it was just last week. It seems like much longer ago.

If I don’t go to get my meds or anything, I may go to the library tomorrow to use their wi-fi. I have messages I want to reply to. Or at least, I think I have messages lol. I replied to three of them the last time I was there, so I assume at least one person has replied back, or will by the time I get to the library. The classes I was going to take at the school for Summer are no longer available, so all I have to choose from is Aquatic Life, which I took before and failed because I wasn’t able to cancel the class before it began and I was too depressed and anxious at the time due to my mom being in the hospital to deal with the class, so I ended up not doing any of the assignments and failing it. The lab portion of the class is also online and that part was very confusing to me. I was very messed up, mentally, so that may have been why the lab made no sense to me but I can remember what it was like and I think that it may still make no sense to me. I only need one more Science class and it has to be one with lab, so if I take and pass Aquatic Life, that will satisfy my Science criteria. But I still want to take Ecology over again to get a better grade, since that’s another class I got a bad grade in. Three of my classes had bad grades. Two were F’s and one was a D. The D was the Ecology class and that’s considered a passing grade, luckily, but it still wasn’t very good and I still want to do better at the class and know I could have if I hadn’t taken so many other classes at the same time and overwhelmed myself.

 

Right now, I’m watching “The X-Files”. I’m on season one again, the episode “Squeeze”. I’ve always been grossed out by Leonard Boggs, or whatever his name was.

When I first turned on the writer, there were lines on the screen. The same kinds of lines that were on my screen just before my other computer went out. So this one may go out, too. I’m going to have to find my flash drive and get the few things I have on here off just in case it does, so I’ll have a back-up. This is a brand new computer, so I hope it’s not going out already :/

TIME: 12:37am

Written on 4-11-12 April 17, 2012

April 11, 2012

TIME: 9:02am

My mom was taken to the hospital by ambulance yesterday. Her whole left side felt like it was going numb but so far they’ve found nothing wrong, luckily. She seems to be getting rheumatoid arthritis though, so I think that may have been the cause because of the rainy weather we’ve been having. It even snowed yesterday. They’re doing another MRI today to see if anything has changed and if not she should be home later today. They just kept her for observation. I’m glad it was nothing serious because I was really afraid she was having another stroke. She’s been doing decently lately and another stroke would ruin everything.

 

 

I can’t remember if I wrote a blog on Monday or not. I know I wrote one on Sunday, Easter. But I know for certain I didn’t write on yesterday. Other than that, I think I may have written one per day, almost every day, since I got my new computer. I’m getting used to it more now and it plays all the games better. It says it doesn’t recognize my video card with the Sims 3, but it still works wonderfully. I’m hoping that after I’m at a library and update it, it will recognize it.

I may just go ahead and take classes even without having internet at home. I figure I can go to the library and use their wi-fi and when I can’t do it alone, hopefully my mom will come with me. Then, in mid-July, 5-6 weeks after classes start, I’ll get the refund check from the Pell grant and can get internet at home then. It’s the most logical thing to do, even if not the smartest, especially since I don’t know if I can make myself leave home as often as will probably be needed. But I don’t want to wait til Fall to take classes and we need the money I’ll get from the Pell refund in July if I take classes in Summer anyway. I’ll be able to pay off my computer, plus get internet, among other things. Maybe even pay back my aunt and uncle for some of the money they’ve been letting us borrow.

 

 

I’ve been feeling the need to write lately, but I haven’t felt “inspired”, etc. I just don’t feel I can and am unsure of what to write about anyway. I should work on some of the stories I’ve started but I lost a lot of them on my other computer when it went out. I still haven’t attempted to transfer files from my old computer to this one, but it probably wouldn’t work anyway. Plus, I have to charge that one up first, before I try.

I’ve been wanting to watch that play version of “Peter Pan” that I used to watch all the time when I was little lately. They don’t have it at the library so I should put it on hold. I’m sure they have to have it somewhere. I still need to put season five of “Supernatural” on hold, too, since I forgot to the last time I was at the library. The weather will probably continue to be too bad to go today, but tomorrow the weather is supposed to be better. It’s supposed to have a high of 52 degrees with no rain or anything. Friday is also supposed to be clear but 60 degrees, so that’s even better. I still need to deposit the rent into the bank before the landlord cashes it and I have to get my meds, so tomorrow or Friday would be the best time to do it. I tried to get my meds last Thursday, when me and my mom were there, but they clased sooner than they were supposed to. I got there 5 minutes til 7pm and they were already closed even though they told me they’d be open until 7pm. That kind of stuff makes me mad. It took so long to get there because “Hunger Games” ended late and then I had to push my mom in her wheelchair from the movie theatre to Target. One of my meds was $22 last time and I’m still not sure which one it was. I think it was my Lamictal but am unsure. If not, I won’t be able to get one of my meds. The $22 med had to be either the Klonopin or the Trazodone if not the Lamictal. I hope it was the Trazodone, if not the Lamictal because I need the Klonopin and especially the Celexa. The Trazodone I can do without, even though I won’t sleep much without it. But it would be best if it were the Lamictal that cost that much because I no longer take it, now that I take Abilify and it works as a mood stabilizer.

 

 

I kept the screen door unlocked and only locked the bottom of the inside door so that my mom can get in easier when she comes home, if I’m asleep. I didn’t sleep well last night because I kept being paranoid someone was in the house. The fact that I had the bathroom light on and then it was off when I opened the door made my fear even worse. But I’m sure all the noises I heard which made me think a person was here were the cats anyway. They’ve been destructive lately. Just yesterday they knocked down the metal shelf thing on wheels over in the bathroom. I guess they’re feeling restless because it’s Spring and they want to go outside and play but they’re indoor cats and we don’t let them out. Either that, or they were just in a playful mood and felt like knocking things over lol.

 

I guess I’ll go now. I’m going to try to sleep. TTYL.

 

 

TIME: 9:32am

 

Written on 4-8-12 April 17, 2012

April 8, 2012

TIME: 5:19pm

 

 

 

It’s Easter Sunday today. My mom is at my aunt and uncle’s house. I’m not sure what they’re doing but possibly having a cookout or dinner or something. This is a new font I found, called “Secret Service Typewriter” or something similar. I like it because it reminds me of “Courier New” which I used to love and use all the time, but it’s just different enough for me to like it again. It’s old fashioned and reminds me of “The X-Files” for some reason lol. I’m not really sure why.

I want to clean and rearrange my room, but am unsure of how to do it and really don’t have the energy. I’ve been wanting to rearrange it for a long time now, though. The worst part will be cleaning it. What I wish I could find is my shelves that go to the bookshelf I bought and put together years ago. I don’t know where they are. I thought that they were in my room, but don’t see them anywhere. The little metal pegs that go to it should be there, too, attached to one of the shelves by tape. If I could find it, I could get rid of some of the books that are all over my floor and clear off my desk/hutch that doubles (or triples?) as a bookshelf. There are books ALL over it. And if I’m somehow able to take classes this Summer, I want to be able to use it to organize things. I just wish I had a more comfortable chair. I love the kinds they have in the library because they’re rather comfortable, unlike the kitchen chair from my aunt and uncle that I use now as a desk chair. It’s hard as a rock and VERY uncomfortable. I need to buy a cushion for it.

 

 

I’m feeling restless and antsy today. I don’t know what to do, but want to do something and am a bit lonely. I’m really glad that I have this free writer on my computer though because I was worried I wouldn’t have one on this computer. I still prefer the old Word Processor that came with my other, Vista, computer. This one is Windows 7. Right now I have a purple theme on it but got rid of the transparency because I don’t like that. I did have it set on the Classic theme  but I hated the way the Start button was at the top, but didn’t reach the bottom. The taskbar is too big in Windows 7, so I’m going to see if I can make the date not show up in it, then maybe it will be smaller so that Classic will look better. I’m not sure if it’s true or not, but I heard that Classic uses less power too. I just like the simplicity of it. But I do love the purple color and display picture I’m using now though. Whenever I get my own internet, or when I’m at the library, I’m going to try to download some other pictures so that I don’t have to only choose between the ones that came with the computer.

I began watching “The X-Files” again earlier. I love seeing how Mulder and Scully met, etc. I also love how the Smoking Man was in the first episode but was almost inconspicuous and I never realized how big of a part he was going to play just from that episode. I guess in the end, he probably wishes he hadn’t gotten Mulder and Scully working together lol.

I really hope my mom comes home soon. I’d like to think we could do something: maybe watch a movie, etc. But I know in reality, we will probably argue. In that case, it’s probably good she’s not here. We both need a break from each other. I was excited to have the house to myself earlier, but since I’ve had it, I’ve been too afraid to spend much time downstairs because of noises, etc. and being afraid they’re going to bring her back home while I’m still downstairs and then I’ll have to run up here and try not to make any noise, while panicking, just to avoid them. I’m always afraid they’ll want me to come down even though they haven’t done that in two or three years.

 

 

I still miss blogging. This is very similar, but still not the same, since I’m writing it to myself lol. But the process is still the same. I just write whatever pops into my head and the format is as if someone is reading it. It makes it easier for me to write diaries/journals/blogs when done this way. If I tried doing it any other way, I don’t think it would work well. At age 12, I used to write in a diary that I named Jasmine and I began every entry with “Dear Jasmine” lol, which made it easier than not beginning it at all or beginning it with “Dear Diary” like they do on TV. As you can see by reading this, I don’t start it with “Dear…..(so and so),” any longer because I don’t feel the need to. But I do still have to act as I’m talking to someone, though that someone is no particular person, gender, name, etc. Just someone.

 

 

I’m not really sure what else to write so I’ll probably stop soon. I’m still restless and want something else to do. Maybe I will still rearrange my room though I’m uncertain. I really don’t like how this thing keeps saying I have grammar mistakes when I don’t think I’ve had any at all. I guess I may have had some small ones, but I know it can’t be many and certainly not as many as this keeps saying I have. It feels as if I’m finally getting used to this keyboard. I’m so glad to have a computer back. These keys are much easier to see though, which is great. The bad thing is that the whole computer seems to be of pretty poor construction, which is not something I ever felt about my old one. It was very sturdy. This one seems very almost flimsy and it seems as if it would break easily which has me worried that it won’t even last as long as my old one although it’s a good brand. My old one was a Toshiba and this one is an HP. It was cheaper than my other but has better features although it’s not as sturdy, etc.

 

 

Well, I’ve already written 1,104 words lol. I guess I’ll go. If I end up copying these entries into my WordPress blog, this will be a long one, I’m sure lol. Well, I guess this finally is it. TTYL.

 

 

TIME: 5:53pm